My longtime friend troll recently explained that if he faked his death in an Insurance scam, he had a couple in mind to take his kids.
No submission process, no applications or committee hearings…nothing! I protested loudly and lengthily and decided to make a serious appeal for recognition in the following video.
So GUYS, when you fake your death to get Insurance money, please consider donating to me the children you do not yet have. It’s only reasonable.
Special thanks to my sisters, niece and nephew for appearing in this video. If we get custody of the Anderson kids, I will let you babysit them and drive them to oboe recitals and math club. Because I’m not doing it.
Update: The emotionally persuasive nature of the epic video above has forced the future felons to reconsider their approval process. SUCCESS!
This is from the deep archives. I found this chat log of an AIM conversation from 2004. My sister obviously wasn’t responding so I hounded her with this delightful origin tale.
Did I ever tell you the story of how you were born my child?
There was this friendly milkman that Mom always chatted to in the mornings when she was lonely. His name was Fred.
Wait, there was a lot of Milkmen.
They kept replacing them…funny that.
Anyway, Mom and Jeff went for long walks in the woods and shopped for antiques on Saturday mornings.
No, that was the town policeman.
Gerry was the milkman, she went for long walks with Gerry too, out in the lane.
Well 5 minute walks. She loved those walks. They made her skin glow and her knees weak.
She was happy then.
You were made on a vacation to Belize.
There was a young tour guide named Sanchez that loved to show mom the ‘hidden’ caves. He was young and vibrant and wore bright unbuttoned shirts that showed off his well-oiled tan. Nine months after that happy time, you were born. We figured you were so tan because of the vacation in Belize, sun can penetrate the womb, you know?!
So we named you Hannah after Sanchez’s Grandma, the great Hanna Rodrigo Del Vasquez, the first South American woman to have a Brazilian….wax that is. She was also a general in the Beizian National Guard known for her unusual grooming rituals (she shaved her heels daily and wore a bald patch).
So that is your legacy, go now and become the fighting Amazonian War Lord that your Grandma wanted you to be!!
I was perusing Tumblr and found a feed dedicated to this woman’s hair (Chantal Biya, First Lady of Cameroon). It is indeed majestic.
This, naturally, led me to find out more about these women, who look especially tall and fun. My phone was on ‘Australian English’ that week which I thought would be HILARIOUS ..until I needed something. Here’s my attempts.